Pros and Cons of Anonymity
October 13, 2007 by zuska
There has been an absolutely gut-wrenching situation going on at one of my favorite blogs. It feels like it’s been going on for so long, and even when it seemed like an end was in sight, things got worse instead of better. I just can’t imagine.
Here’s the thing, though - I don’t know this person. I read her blog. Now, while I know some of my favorite blogs are not a true representation of any real person (I just hate thinking that Ana couldn’t be my friend in real life, because she’s fake - every time the true author of the blog reminds me of that fact, I feel a slight hiccuppy cry try to escape from my body), that’s far from always the case. And since it appears that other bloggers who I’ve followed for even longer have a personal relationship with Lag Liv, I doubt it’s the case for her.
(Even though I do have moments where my conspiracy-theory-believing self comes out and I can picture one person creating several blogging personas and maintaining them for years - all with this end goal in sight - a devestating story, corroborating tales, and alas, a paypal account.)
It is difficult for me. People have commented that they’re sobbing at their computers while reading the story of the baby being taken from his home, and I just don’t feel the same thing. I don’t feel 100% conviction I’ve read the entire truth. We all have such freedom, such flexibility - as we sit in our homes with our glowing screens, and a multitude of possibilities, requiring NOTHING of us. Nothing. No investment, no accountability, no information verification.
We all (or most of us) benefit from this anonymity. We are able to say what we want to say without compromising our real-life selves. We can be honest without hurting friends’ feelings. We can put ourselves out there without opening ourselves up to scrunity from future employees. We can get support without requirements of investing time into a real life friendship, without having to wonder if people approve of our external selves. Without having to put on clothes.
Do we deserve these benefits, without having to endure some of the liabilities?
People don’t know who we are. They don’t know, really, if we have presented ourselves accurately. Like the very tired story about pen pal kids in grade school “my mom is a rock star!” “I live in a mansion!” “I go skiing every weekend!” “I had 3 home runs in last week’s baseball game!”
Let’s pause to be clear: I don’t think that this mother is hurting her child. I don’t think this father is hurting his child.
That’s not at all what I’m trying to say.
I just don’t feel that I *know* that there is an injustice being done, either.
And in some ways, it sits poorly with me that so many people do.
I think it’s more a distrust of the “virtual community” than it is any sort of testament about this story in particular. But we create these communities, and we feel like we’re a part of something real. But are we?
As parents we know that we have to talk to our kids about internet safety. About how they can’t always know that someone is who they say they are. How you can’t give out your personal information. How you have to be careful what you reveal. How you have to question and re-question every thing. And how they shouldn’t go giving people they don’t know money over the internet.
And if kids do have a blind trust - they could get hurt. Really hurt.
Why is that less true for the adults?
I don’t think it is.
And it shouldn’t be.
And what do we miss out on? How many people in our community - our REAL communities, you know, the people down the street from us? The other families in our buildings? - are going through similarly tragic situations? Do we know? Do we care? Would we trust them, if they told us of the injustices that they were facing, that they were being honest? That they were sharing the whole story? Or would we back off, edge away, afraid of people bringing their troubles to our doorsteps?
Even though we know their names, their addresses. We could help them in the little ways. We could cook them a meal, and bring it to their homes. We could testify in court on their behalf. We could care for their other children or pets while they sat in the hospital for hours on end.
But instead, we spend our time reading the stories on the internets. And when people go through these difficulties, they have to pull the troops in on airplanes. They have to hope that strangers will donate to help ease the financial strain.
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My hope is that on Tuesday, when Lag Liv goes to court, that the Powers that Be listen to her story, see her evidence, and realize the errors that have been made. I hope that she and her husband can find the answer to their baby’s pain, and show it to those who have accused them wrongly. I hope that the hospital will be scared soooo shitless of a lawsuit that they do not bill for the night upon night that Lag Liv and her family were kept in the hospital. I hope that because Landon is so young, he will grow up having no memory of this horrendous time, and that he be oblivious, because he will be safe and happy with his parents.
Word. I 100% agree. As soon as I saw the paypal thing something in me shifted.
Hmm. I see your point. I’ve moved around a lot in my life and have made a lot of friends online who I’ve then met IRL, from the late 90’s on dating services to during pregnancy with a birth board (even took my 3 month-old and flew to Boston to meet a woman from the board and stayed at her house!). I think that I’m pretty trusting. As for LagLiv, I have emailed back and forth with her off-blog, know her real identity and therefore felt more comfortable about the PayPal thing. If people don’t want to give, they shouldn’t. I’ve given to others I don’t know before. The blog Especially Heather is about a woman with a disabled daughter who, earlier this year, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I didn’t know her from Adam, but when word went out that she needed money to go to the Mayo Clinic, I donated. Not a lot, mind you, but it was something. I’m a “Pay it Forward” kind of gal and I just tend to believe in the goodness of people. I think the scam artists are the exception, not the rule. But I do understand your feelings on this.
Oh, and the donation thing wasn’t my idea originally. Someone else had commented that they wished there was a way to send money to help, so I just made it happen. The money is going to her.
[...] Zuska thinks it’s a bad idea to donate money to someone you don’t know, no matter how heartwrenching their story. I see her point. You can get taken for a ride, you may not know the whole story, etc. But I am a firm believer in trusting your gut. A while back, a call went out on a blog I read for donations to help a mother of three children who was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor fly to the Mayo Clinic for a second opinion. I hadn’t read her blog before, but once I did and saw a) how long it had been going on and b) that she was a SAHM to a disabled daughter, my heartstrings were sufficiently tugged and I made a donation. I don’t regret it. My little donation wasn’t much, but Heather went to the Mayo Clinic and I’ve continued to follow her story as she’s undergone surgery and treatment. If someone else was in a similar situation, I’d donate again. I just don’t think people are inherently bad, at least not those on the blogs I read or forums I join. [...]
I sincerely know what you mean. And I’m one of the folks who cried at my computer. But even in my latest post, I added the caveat that we only know her side of the story.
Thanks for writing this because I was feeling like a bad person for having had the thought — that a scam so elaborate could be perpetrated on readers was entirely possible. I just didn’t feel it here. But then, having been taken in, I wouldn’t, would I?
Have you ever read BabyBarista? His entire account of his pupilage is fictional, openly so. But it makes me wonder how many others do the blogging thing just to write fiction.
Taking her at her word, though, this is devastating. And like you, I hope all goes well for LL and family and baby.
I’m so glad you put this out here because I was struggling with the same feelings and wondering whether I should blog it. I think LL is sincere because I have exchanged e-mails with her but something happened to that baby and it’s the hospital and DCFS’ job to determine what and who did it.
I did blog about the Paypal donations but I have not personally donated because I just don’t know the whole story.
As a personal friend of LL, let me tell you that the last thing she would ever want from anyone is sympathy or money. But like she has said, she will take whatever she can get at this point. I would only hope that the fact that random strangers have come together to pray and to offer their support- (whether it’s monetary support or not) would bring a glimmer of hope that in today’s time, there are still good people who care and who trust others. For once, I wish that people would stop being so cynical and start doubting and start trusting. What is it going to hurt to believe in the goodness of someone and their situation?
I can certainly understand your reluctance, and I think that can be a function of real-world distance. I tend to be less…believing, perhaps, when whoever’s life I am peering into is likely to be someone I don’t, can’t, or won’t ever know. And that’s a function of how anonymous someone holds themself out to be, also.
I guess what I’m saying is that I understand what you are feeling; I don’t feel it myself because LL is someone I very possibly do, could, or will know (and I do know people IRL who know her IRL). The PayPal thing also makes me a bit squirmy, but that sort of thing always makes me squirmy–I always prefer to give charitably through known channels. (Sometimes it makes me think of that girl who created a website and a PayPal account asking people to give her money to pay down her credit card debt–racked up buying expensive shoes.)
So, I understand your point. And I understand that you wanted to make this point without speaking substantively to LL’s situation. But the tone of your post is maybe a little off. It bothers me, and maybe that’s because it’s just a little strong for a situation whose greatest hurt is so new. I guess I’m saying that if I were you, I might have waited to post this. Or posted it a few days ago. But posting it the day after LL lost custody of her son smarts.
I’m not sure what to write in reponse to this. I understand not wanting to donate. I’m not sure that I would if I stumbled upon my blog. There were already donations in a paypal account (through people who commented) and I claimed them. I know for certain we’re going to have large bills and if someone feels moved to help- because there’s not much most people can do- we’ll take it. I’ve never been in a position to need to accept help, financial or otherwise, from strangers, so it feels almost unsettling. But if there’s ever a time- it’s now.
This story is very real. My heartbreak is real. Visiting Landon in a shelter for 60 minutes today was real. The feeling of being trapped, of feeling hopeless, of both counting down to and being terrified of Tuesday is real.
If asking for money bothers you, ignore it. It honestly never occurred to me to, but one person suggested it, several people already donated, and I accepted it.
Oh- and there is no blog ring conspiracy. I’m not that creative or that talented of a writer. I also don’t have that much free time.
I feel terrible for LL and don’t see any reason not to believe her story. Although there are sick people out there who might contrive a sob story to make a few bucks, this would have to be one of the most elaborate hoaxes ever.
That said, I feel uncomfortable about being asked to donate money to someone whose husband is an investment banker and probably makes 6 figures. I was also very unsettled by the fact that LL accepted 3 weeks’ salary from a law firm this summer (probably over $7500 if it was BIGLAW) after she had to leave work early to have her baby. She acted like she was entitled to this money, even though she agreed to work for 5 weeks but only worked for 2. Of course she couldn’t help that Landon was born a few weeks early, but it was her choice to accept a job ending around her due date–why should the law firm bear the risk of an early delivery (especially since she accepted a permanent offer from a different firm)? It made me cringe at the time, and now the PayPal thing is making me cringe all over again.
I understand the sentiment — in fact, when I asked JW if it would be okay to contribute, he said, “Is this a scam?” I said, “If it’s a scam, it’s a REALLY elaborate one because I have been corresponding with her for over a year and know she’s a real person.” (But I have to admit I Googled her real name.)
As for the previous anonymous comment, I don’t think we can speculate about her husband’s salary, and I know of plenty of other big firms that have done the same thing for summer associates who have gotten sick or had babies or were unable to continue working for some reason beyond their control. I seriously doubt she went to the firm asking for money, and if they offered, why shouldn’t she accept? If your employer said to you, “We’re so sorry you couldn’t complete your contract, but we’d like to pay you,” you would say, “No, I don’t want your money?”
If you look at LL’s blog, commenters came up with the idea to contribute. Frankly, she is in a desperate situation — I would absolutely hate to ask people for money, but if the alternative was not being able to afford the legal fees to get my son back, I would do it. I would do anything I could and anything I had to. But, as LL commented above, if it bothers you just don’t do it.
I thought I was clear that my unsettled feelings do not come from the specifics of this situation. I know from the comments on LL’s blog that people have met LL in real life. When I said I sometimes pictured a vast blogging conspiracy, it was meant as a jab at myself - that Citations, PT and LL were ALL the same person, which is clearly *ridiculous.* I am sorry to you, LL that it wasn’t as clear as I meant for it to be.
Knowing what I do of big firms, especially ones who are in competition with another for a candidate they’re interested in (which is usually the case when someone splits their summer), it was not surprising to me that LL received payment for her missed time, and I personally can’t imagine NOT accepting such a thing.
Finally - I had/have no idea what LL’s husband does. I can’t imagine a job in the world (other than Bill Gates’ or Oprah’s) that would cover the legal and potential medical bills (a week-plus hospital stay with no medical reason?) that will be incurred.
There are several other bloggers who I’ve had outside-blog conversations with. Of course, this all happens by chance. Something particularly strikes a chord, there’s something super-in common or a discrete thought shared. If LL and I had one of those conversations in the past, I know I would feel the same as PT, Divine Angst, CM and the real life friend of LL posted above.
But the response LL is getting to her situation on the internet is not only from those who know her. And having hundreds and hundreds of people being swept away in this manner is what sits poorly with me. Like I said - I do not think that LL doesn’t necessarily deserve this - and I did not say “this is a hoax.” It does make me feel hinky about the internet communities, and the effect on our lives as individuals, and our real life communities. And the *potential* for (emotional as well as financial) manipulation.
Without speaking to the specifics of this story, I’ll briefly note that I think that skepticism, especially when it comes to the internet, is not a bad thing.
Also on the point of skepticism and the internet, I encourage you to check out a recent BoingBoing post concerning a story that is eerily on-topic. (Link to actual story at end of BB post. Credit where it’s due, etc.)
http://www.boingboing.net/2007/10/12/using-the-internet-t.html
Dang, that’s a pretty harsh anonymous comment. Not to mention, pretty naive.
Even if JP makes that much money, six figures in Chicago is comparable to what my husband makes here in Smallville when you take into account differences in cost of living. And yes, that means you live very comfortably — when you aren’t suddenly hit with insane medical bills, and in their case, legal fees. There’s also the fact that LL will be going on to make big money at a Big Firm. However, she isn’t right now. And most hospitals and lawyers aren’t going to just say, “Oh no big deal, you just pay us when you have the money someday, in the meantime we’ll keep working without getting paid.”
I agree with PT-Lawmom. LL’s someone who needs help at this very moment. Someday she’ll be in a position to help someone else that needs it, and I’m sure she’ll remember how people she didn’t even know helped her out when she needed it, whether it was through giving her money, doing research for her, or just leaving a supportive comment.
I think it’s nice people are coming out in support of LL. Yes, maybe it’s naive to believe in someone you’ve never met, don’t necessarily know their real name, or if all of their story is even accurate. And certainly, it’s a story told from one perspective. But I think it speaks to the good of people willing to put their hearts on the line in support of a fellow mom. Assuming it’s not an elaborate internet conspiracy, of course.
Perfect post.
This is the perfect post.
I have an anonymous blog with a rather clever Pseudonym (if I don’t say so myself) as well as one that is not at all anonymous.
I see the benefits of both and the discomfort of money both ways.
But if you feel like you need a good night’s sleep chuck some money at APLA or LLS and tell them I sent ya.
The paypal thing creeps me out since the McCanns collected over a million POUNDS (more than dollars folks) and are still collecting.
I read the blog and have no preconceived notions of who this woman is and I wouldn’t rule out child abuse for a moment.
Sorry.
I care about kids more than adults and I stand firm.
Sigh.
I’m as much a cynic as anyone, I suppose. So I understand if some think that it’s all a ruse, or look back over LL’s blog and wonder if she’s hiding some horrible secret, or whatever.
Well, no, actually–I won’t understand, because if there’s one thing about LL it’s that she’s consistent and consistently FAR more open with personal information than I would ever be comfortable with. Her life is an open book and anyone can stop by and read a chapter or two. If you took the time to read back over the last year of entries, you would see the story unfold and the characters reveal themselves as true, and human, and flawed.
But not as abusers. Never, ever that.
Now, about the fund. I was sitting next to her in the hospital when she got the message about the fund being set up. She gasped, and clasped her hand over her mouth, and pointed at the screen to get JP to look at it. And there it was, at the lowest and most horrible moment of their young lives–when the entire Establishment was calling them criminal and taking away their baby, they knew that someone, somewhere, believed in them.
It was, for them, a miracle. A sorely needed boost. The money, well, I’ve no idea how much has come in and I’ve no idea what their bills will end up being, but they’re not going to get rich. And they would give away everything that they owned and more if it meant this awfulness never happened.
And finally, as for JP’s job, I will only say that he is young, and that not all entry level jobs are glamorous and well-paid.
Zuska, my dear, I’ve missed you. Congrats on finishing school, and I love the look of your new blog.
Just because I’m imaginary doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. My author has quite a few imaginary friends and they can be very comforting in times of need. Yay for you for speaking your mind and expressing your honest feelings. It’s never wrong to create a dialogue or think independent thoughts.
I’ve been reading your blogs (this and the old one) for about a year and a half, and I really like them. It’s my personal opinion that this was a little out of line, if only because from reading you so long and getting a sense of who you seem to be, I also believe that you’d have been hurt to the core if something horrible happened to you and people started doubting the veracity of it. You could say to yourself, “Well, they don’t really KNOW me, and so who are they to judge,” but you are one of the most prolific and open bloggers I read. If you put all this about you in the open and then were doubted (especially if you were going through something horrible at the same time), I wonder how you’d feel.
The fact is, you linked to LL’s blog, and we all know how sitemeters and statcounters work, and that she would be led back here through a click on her page. I understand that some people might have been thinking what you wrote, but for LL to be forced to look at it when she is going through some of the most awful stuff that can happen to a person is a little lacking in empathy. I’ve been reading her blog for almost a year and believe in her and JP and Landon as much as I do in you and J and E and Beloved.
I understand what you were trying to say; I just think the timing was a little inconsiderate. I imagine it might have been better received had you waited till after the Tuesday hearing (especially if there was a positive outcome), but I’m even more appalled by the vitriol of some of the commenters here. Completely uncalled for.
I have to say that when I first read LL’s blog, my heart absolutely went out to them. I have a lot in common with her -young baby, location, profession, even specific schools - so I could obviously identify with her.
But I read everything on the internet with a grain of salt - unless I know the author. And I don’t know her. I think it’s perfectly normal to have doubts, to raise an eyebrow in a situation like this.
So I emailed a tip to the University of Chicago Maroon (the main student paper). I have no idea if they will “investigate,” but if the story is true, then it absolutely deserves to be publicized as it shows a serious flaw in the CPS/DCFS/hospital system in Chicago - I think we can all agree that no one would want to see something like this happen again.
I am LL’s classmate in law school, and while I am not her friend, I have independent information verifying her story. Clearly then, my perspective is different than yours. It makes sense that you distrust personal blogs on the internet when you have no way of verifying the truth of the posts. What I find weird though, is that you take this distrustful stance, but then emotionally invest yourself in these blogs, and seem to spend a lot of time reading them. If you are going to take this stance that blogs must be distrusted, why waste your time reading the hoaxes? Why don’t you go out and form real relationships?