I am lonely. It is 9:53 p.m., and I don’t know what to do with myself. Where is my HUSBAND?
And seriously, this morning, when I was woken up by weird lightning and thunder in the midst of a snow storm, and woke up a little later to drag the kids out of bed so I could take them to a friend’s house (a la school cancellation), and then when I had to yell at J because I discovered in a most inconvenient way (snow boots full of approximately 2 inches of water as we’re ready to walk out the door so I can make it to work on time and I instead have to remove the wool insert and put them in the dryer for 40 minutes so the child can leave the house in the midst of said snowstorm) that she 100% disobeyed my very very very clear instructions on her way out the door to the park with a friend on Saturday
- [deep breath] -
I was fine. Really, not sarcastically, FINE. I could handle it.
But now, at 9:53 - I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I watch t.v.? But I don’t watch t.v. Do I read a book? But I don’t usually read until I am tired, and I’m not tired. And I usually read until Beloved comes in and scratches my back, and there’s no back-scratching happening this week (or next, really), and it makes me lonely.
But at the same time, it makes me happy that I am lonely.
Once before, I was married. He used to leave town a lot. It was nothing but relief. I was not lonely. I was happy. But then when he came home, I was sad. I was sad because life felt no different than when he was gone, except I felt rejected. Dejected. The kids didn’t have anything in their day that they didn’t have when their father was out of town. I had no more help, no more companionship - no partnership.
Even when he was gone for (literally) 7 months.
My life was the same.
Not anymore!!
We all have a gaping hole in our lives. The girls are lonely for him, too. They comment on the quietness of the house. They ask every day if he called, if he’s okay. They want to send him stuff. J is concerned my slacker-self won’t get on the ball before he leaves for home. [She may be right.]
They never ask to call the X. They never ask to send him stuff. They NEVER say they miss him.
And I don’t think it’s because they’re afraid to share with me, because I try so hard to be open and to talk with them and to let them voice their feelings. Maybe I am not as good as I think I am, but - even when he does call, they don’t want to talk to him.
Beloved fills our lives; his absence is felt. We are okay, because we are strong people - but we miss him.
And we love him.
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There’s more snow forecast for Thursday day through Friday night. I think I’ll be okay again. I’m most worried about the fact that I’m supposed to be driving to my folks’ house on Friday evening, and we’re slated for the Lion King on Broadway on Saturday. I can’t NOT drive down on Friday.
