Archive for the ‘money’ Category

Money Mystery Solved

I’m such an idiot.

It was my stupid salary advance – the one they handed out in May to get us all through the bar exam, but that I used to go to Europe.

Paying it off is more than palatable since I have wonderful memories of the time Beloved and I spent in Paris and Amsterdam.

With that factored in, my tax situation is not that bad.

All things considered.

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I got my January paycheck the other day.

I was quite stunned to see a total that was up to $1100 less than I had anticipated.

It was at least $400 less than I anticipated.

My anticipation was based on last month’s check, paycheck calculators on line, and my knowledge of increased benefit costs.

I seriously brought home less than 55% of my paycheck.


I am not going to complain about taxes, and I’m not going to re-investigate the presidential candidates to see who will let me have more of my gross pay.

I’m just startled.

We’d made plans.  Budgets.  Savings goals.

and now that has to change.

But I know that we’re fortunate.  We’ll have no trouble paying our rent, or Beloved’s tuition, or the girls’ child care.  We’ll still shop at Whole Foods.  We’ll still have stellar health care.

I just may not own real estate in 2008.

Which is sad.

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Patience sucks.

I wanted boots.  Brown boots.  They had heels, they were made by Born, and they were being sold by J.Jill.  J.Jill is a company for which I have a credit card.  The card gives me a 5% discount on everything I buy – even if the things are otherwise on sale.

J.Jill also gives me birthday presents.  An extra 10% off – which can be coupled with other deals.  I knew it was coming … so I waited, and didn’t buy my boots.

My boots were $179.  Originally.

I got the birthday coupon in my e-mail.

Then I got a 15% off coupon.

So now we’re talking 30% off my boots.  That’s …. (18 plus 18 is 36, 36 plus 18 is …. uh, 54. ) So they’re now $125.

And I am getting a bonus next week, and I got paid this week, and it’s fucking slushy outside.

So I sign on to jjill.com.

Guess what?

My boots are gone.


It’s not that my size is sold out.

It’s that they’re gone.

There is no picture of them.

No nothing.


Yes, I can get them from Zappos.

But they’re $183.  And now that I almost had them for $125, I kind of don’t think that I want them anymore.

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I’m feeling more down today than I have in a long, long time.

The closest I ever feel to depressed is just a feeling of loneliness.  I feel intolerant, let down, and as if no one in the entire world is capable of being a true friend.

That’s how I feel today.

I have some issues going on that I can’t talk about with, really, anyone.  They’re intertwined with finances, and there are several people in my life who really don’t want to hear me whine, considering the job I landed, and others who I wouldn’t want to share these details with anyway.

I went out with a friend who went on a weird assault on my daughter … which was pretty fucking catty and hypocritical, considering how many times she’s made a point of insisting we don’t talk about our kids when we’re out together – and considering how she is clearly channeling her own kid’s jealousies and social angst through her 42 year old mouth.  Nothing she accused E of was outside the range of normal 6th grade behavior (which she conceded once the nastiness subsided) … but if I had done the same about her kid, she would have run out in tears.  I wish I had the guts to say something, to call her out on it.  Instead, I let her change the subject.

J spent an hour crying today because she had to miss her first basketball practice.  Reason being twofold:  1)  Well, I didn’t sign her up until approx 12:30 this afternoon, and so she didn’t pack the things she needed, b/c I was not sure that they would let me sign her up late; 2) it overlapped with an extended practice for something else today.  But E’s basketball practice was later in the evening (as in, we just got home), and so J was jealous, and started to cry, and that pissed me off.   I was so happy and proud that I got her signed up, and I wanted her to be happy, too.  Instead, she cried.

And of course there are work irritations, too.  But whatever.

Oh, but I think I can say that I dropped my Blackberry today.  Wanna know where?  onto the T tracks.  So as I’m scurrying to pick it up, I’m hearing the *ding ding ding* of the train’s bell, and I’m totally freaking out that I’m gonna get run over.  I had to pick up the Berry, the battery, and the back cover.  I put it all back together, but it wasn’t turning on.  So I thought it had a SIM card or something, which went up under a track.  So I’m all freaked out that I dropped my blackberry, and that I broke it, and that I’m going to have to pay for another one (which collided right up against my financial frustrations, see above), and I’m sitting on the train stressing over that, and a close friend from law school hops on the train and sits next to me.  I can’t gather my thoughts, I feel awkward and weird, and stumbly over words, and I’m just NOT HAPPY!!!!

Let’s add onto that the fact this a.m., I fell.  Yes.  That’s correct.  I just FELL.  I was going to the train, at 6:30 a.m., and a train came, and I took the first step to run and thought, “no fucking way, I’m not running” and waved the train on.   So I’m NOT rushing, that’s not why I fell.  I went to the little newspaper stand to get the free paper with the daily sudoku and crossword puzzles that I love, and my heel lands funky on a split in the pavement.  It threatens to twist my bad ankle, and my legs just gave out.  I seriously think it’s a defensive mechanism that has kicked in to protect this on-the-verge-of-snapping-into-ten-million-pieces ankle/foot of mine.  I just … FALL.  All the way onto the ground. Fortunately, my suit pants didn’t rip.  but my knee is all skinned and bruised, and I later found out that the lining of the pants DID rip.  How the fuck does that happen?  The part that hits the pavement stays intact, but the inside part rips?

And then, tonight, the event which I think sealed my mood and brought me closest to tears — I’m walking home, of course looking down at my Blackberry trying to e-mail my sister, and I jam the same fucking foot against yet another uneven spot on the sidewalk, and I feel like I’m going to BARF because it hurts so bad after this morning’s fall.  And the tears didn’t come from pain – they just came from frustration.  Why ANOTHER thing going wrong?  Why?

Yeah, so I think today sucks.

Just to prove that not everything in the world is horrible, I will end this note on 2 positives:

1.  I finally, for the first time in 2 weeks, went to the gym today.  It was good.

2.  I got word of my swearing in.  It’s on Tuesday the 27th.  It will feel so good to be admitted to practice and to have a bar number.  I’ll get to be a full fledged grown up, then.

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Oh, the Pains.

I just wrote the final two big checks (after school care and the all-important acting club/class/group) which I thought would surely drive me into the red before my job starts.  They have not driven me into the red.  But they have driven me into Beloved’s “office,” where I said, “stop using the big account!”  (B/c I’d just come super-close to emptying it, not because he was using it inappropriately … or at all.)

Really, I shouldn’t call it the “big account” anymore.

It does help that I just filled out and mailed the direct deposit instructions to my new job.  “Yes, please put money in this account, and this account, and this account.  Thankyouverymuch.”

Because I am seconds away from making more money than anyone in the universe deserves to make, it’s really hard for me to garner sympathy from my family that I’m BROKE!   That I can’t buy new CLOTHES to go with the new JOB!!  It’s really unfortunate.

I made the mistake today of poking my nose into the Ann Taylor fall suit line.  They were purty.  I found a really pretty lavender blouse that would go great with my favorite suit, but it costs 1/8th of the money I have in MY “small account” until pay day … which still feels far away.

Fortunately, it’s Beloved’s “small account” that feeds us.  And takes care of those other things we need to survive.  Like, you know, electricity.  And internet connectivity.  We must not forget the essentials!

I am sure I’ll be fine.  Sure of it.  So sure that I keep talking about how sure I am.  Super-sure.

I still wish I could get a new suit.  The outfit I picked out is 99/100ths of the money in my small account.  So uh, no new suit.

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