I overdid it. I pushed myself too hard, ended up too tired, too raw.
I am a relatively young person, and I forget now and again that despite my youth (which all of my local friends are constantly reminding me of, as I’m typically 10 years their junior), I am not, literally, Super Woman.
I cannot go camping for 4 days, some of the time spent as the only adult, and come home fresh-as-a-daisy ready to go out and play on a day trip with friends. I come home tired, and I need to re-coop.
But yesterday, I had made plans to go on a day trip with friends. It sounded like a fun outing – heading to a local county fair. I knew when I woke up, however, that I’d bitten off more than I could chew. I was exhausted. I wanted to just be home. I wanted to put away the sleeping bags, which are still strewn around the living room floor.
The trip went well, the girls had fun, it was FINE. I could not focus on anything, however, except the misery. The misery of the fair workers: their missing and blackened teeth, their grouchiness, their interactions with each other. The patches on the game awnings, the nastiness of the food. I couldn’t imagine how these settings used to be magical to me. When I was a kid and the carnival came to my small town of Southbury, Connecticut, I was thrilled. I had the best time. The smells were great, the rides were great, the games and food! Oh, such happiness! Yesterday, the wilder rides were set to heavy metal, and the less wild ones left me picturing my head snapping around on my neck in the most painful way. I only went on the Ferris Wheel with J. We were in one of two cars with people in it, and were able to listen to an argument amongst 3 of the fair workers the entire time. Since no one else was in line, we missed out on the benefit of the stops at the top, or near top, and I missed it. We had planned on looking for E and her friend from up there … but didn’t get the chance.
It also freaked me out that the day cost me $100. I’m really freaking out about money right now. I keep telling myself to calm down, it will be fine. No, I don’t have much spending money between now and paycheck #1, but I have enough to cover the bills. It’s hard, though, to not stress. Even though this is likely the last time in a long time that I’ll have to worry like this. Even though it’s been my life for the past 3+ years.
Then, at 11:20 p.m., my sister called me. She’s been trying to plan a trip to come to the east coast to see my nephew who was born in May, right around J’s bday and my graduation (yeah, that was a wild week – planning a bday party, finishing exams and getting ready for graduation while driving down to Connecticut twice in a week … woo hoo!) She has thrown a few dates out there, and all I can really say is, “I’ll do my best,” because they all came after I started work, and I just don’t know. I don’t know.
But last night she called with good news, and as we were getting off the phone she told me she finally bought her tickets. We had last talked about a date in mid October, and I said, “for the weekend we talked about?” and she said, “No! I chose a different weekend! I’m coming for dad’s birthday!”
Dad’s birthday is 2 days before E’s birthday. E’s birthday is the DAY after I start my job. Because I could not fathom planning a birthday party for E during my first week of work, I planned it for the weekend before – Dad’s birthday weekend. It’s a sleepover. The invitations were designed and glued by E while we were camping.
If Sis was coming mid-October, it would be “up in the air” as to when or whether I could drive down and hang out with her. But I know that it would be likely that I could do so. Perhaps something would be going on at work, and I would have to get up early on Saturday and go in for a few hours before getting on the road – but we’ve done quick turn around trips in the past. It could have been done.
But the weekend that I have 4 (or 5?) 11 year olds sleeping at my house? Impossible.
But I think it gets even stickier than “I won’t get to see my sister.”
It’s my dad’s birthday. Fine. No big deal. My dad’s birthday has been overshadowed by E’s birthday since 1996. But this is my dad’s 60th birthday. Sort of a big one.
This has not been made a big deal of by either of my parents. My dad knows I’m starting my job the next day, and that E’s bday is the day after that, and that we’re having her party. I’ve never gone down to CT for his birthday (although I did for my mom’s last year, but that was just because I didn’t know what else to get her). I call him. I send a card. If it’s a good year for me, I get him a gift. My parents are currently on a 2 week vacation celebrating the event. That’s how they decided to do it – no big party. A vacation. So it was FINE.
But now my sister is going to be there from California. My brother lives around the corner. There’s just 3 of us. So now I will be the only one NOT there.
I guarantee you that NOW, it will be an issue that I can’t be there. Now that it’s a “family gathering.”
So, two resulting emotions.
- I’m upset (as in mad, irritated, frustrated) that I can anticipate a lot of guilt and “problem-solving” from my mother. (Problem-solving: Wherein my mother tells me what to do, how to rearrange my life, and what phone calls to make in order to make HER idea of “what I should do” happen).
- I’m upset (as in sad, disappointed, feeling left out) that I can’t be there with my family for this day that will NOW be a family gathering.
Then I woke up and realized I forgot to move the car from the street to the parking lot (no on-street parking allowed in our town, all violators will be ticketed and fined $30. I’m paying $40 total for a parking space for the entire 2 weeks that we have the car … so this was very stupid, and does not coincide well with my stresses over money.) Update! Beloved just texted me on his way to work to say that we did NOT get a ticket! Phew!
Then I got an e-mail from E’s friend’s mom saying that E was still awake at 4 a.m.
What the fuck?
Before I left there last night, I had a conversation with her. I told her that she has to SLEEP on sleepovers. Sleep. Not stay up all night and be a problem for her hostess. That she will no longer be invited if she keeps staying up all night, and that honestly, before that happens, I will not allow her to go on anymore sleepovers.
Because she’s done this before. Not until 4, but until 1. And because E is not really a sleeper (ha!), I feel confident that she is the impetus for the lack of sleep on these occasions. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with her when she gets home. She will be grouchy and exhausted.
This is not a good day thus far. I am not a happy Zuska today. It’s not a good way to start an at-home day, where J is having a friend over, and I am required to take care of all the camping gear. Preferably before she gets here. At one.
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