Archive for the ‘sleep’ Category

It was a busy weekend.

  1. E had a friend sleep over on Friday night.  It went well.  It is a friend who I have had some issues with before – her behavior, her negativity, her influence on E.  There was none of that this weekend.  She was flexible, fun, and really pleasant to have around.  It was very nice.  She’s the daughter of a friend, so it was good that it went well.
  2. Both girls had basketball games on Saturday a.m.  Beloved took J to her early game (where she scored a basket, and was very proud, because it was against the Tall Team).  E and her friend walked to theirs alone.  No.  I did not go. There are only two teams in their age bracket (b/c it’s 6-8th grades, and 7th and 8th graders can play for the school teams, and usually choose that over the town team).  Every week, the two teams play each other.  It’s very casual, not competitive, and frankly — boring.  E doesn’t care if I’m there or not, just enjoys running around with her friends.  If I am there, she spends more of her energy monitoring my conversations with other parents (to be sure I don’t say her name …. even if I say “Oh, E is due for a teeth cleaning” or “E’s birthday is in September” she hears her name and has a fit) than she does playing the game.
  3. My parents came in at noon on Saturday.  Mom was having some back pain, so they were a little slow-moving, which was fine with us.
  4. E went to a movie with friends.
  5. J had a girl scout meeting – where she baked bread.
  6. Me, Beloved, Mom and Dad went to see a three bedroom apartment that is for rent. It was pretty nice, but short a bathroom and probably one room.  I also was totally put off by the other occupant of the 2 family house, which may or may not be the owner’s mother-in-law.  Things were a little fuzzy. I think that the space issues could have worked out, but the downstairs person was the deal killer.
  7. Once we collected the girls back at home, we all went out to dinner.  At your typical chain steak-house, which is the sort of place we always go with my parents.  They don’t like my favorite places, they find them “weird” – but I’ll take a steak any day.  J had salmon, and E ate a 1/2 rack of baby back ribs.  The food was pretty good.  My dad got all sappy on me when I offered to pick up the tab …. something about being so proud that I am now in a position where I can do that, but that he won’t let me until I’m “caught up.”  I don’t know waht that means.  Do I have to catch up with HIM?  Catch up with my bills?  Pay off all my school loans?  Whatever he meant – thanks for dinner, dad.
  8. Then, this morning, we cursed the time change as Beloved trudged off to a Sunday morning meeting and my parents and I left two sleeping children to go and see my office.  My parents were duly impressed.  They liked my view, the name plaque on my door, and the building at large.  I think my air-conditioning-fixing dad was a bit proud of his eldest child.  He couldn’t have said so more times.  Mom was just happy to see all the pictures of E and J around the room (and both her nephews, as well).  I think she was reassured that my job does not mean that I’ve forgotten that I still have 2 kids.
  9. We then came home and I dragged the girls out of bed at ELEVEN AM!!!  Shit!!  I know it only felt like 10 them.  And 10 is a normal weekend wake up time for them.  But today it was ELEVEN.  Which does mean that now, at 11:28 p.m., I can hear E tossing and turning and sighing heavy, frustrated, insomniatic sighs.
  10. My dad made waffles.  I don’t know what he did, but the house still smells like syrup.  What the fuck?  We had pancakes yesterday, and the house didn’t smell like syrup all day.  I think it’s because despite the real Vermont maple syrup that we stay stocked in, Dad brought his Aunt Jemima’s, and those artificial flavorings have chemically attached themselves to the paint.  Even Beloved’s stir fry couldn’t rid us of the smell.
  11. I did 8 loads of laundry.
  12. Mom, Dad and I went to 4 open houses.  As in – homes for SALE.  There were several nice ones.  I am not going to push to buy right now.  Even though our jumbo mortgage limit in the Boston area was raised to the point that I likely can buy a few of them.  I’m just not willing to do so just to find myself upside down in a year or so, wanting to move b/c my condo is too small for 2 teenagers and all their friends that they keep dragging home.  I’m resigned to be a renter for a couple more years.  Just not here.  It’s too small.
  13. Then they left.  My parents.  And I was going to go with E to a play, but I was quite frankly exhausted, so I bowed out, and spent some time organizing my ridiculous amounts of clothing, hanging out with J and Beloved, and resting for a minute, because I knew I had to …
  14. Go to the “let’s talk about our 6th graders” meeting that was scheduled for tonight.  Ugh.  That was stressful.  It was about relationships and dating.  About whether or not kids have sex in high school, whether there’s kissing in 6th grade, and whether kids are “grinding” on the dance floor at their little dances this year.   This requires a post of its own.  Because from that discussion came at home discussions, and things just went spiraling off into weirdness (as J called it, until I told her it was NOT weird, it was normal, because it all happens to everyone, and if it didn’t, then there would be no people).  Oh yeah, we had a sex talk, baby.  Replete with erections and ejaculations and the difference between semen and urine.  Beloved was dragged into it, and was stellar.  I shall try to remember to post more about this tomorrow.
  15. It’s a little more stressful that next time, I somehow ended up the chair of the meeting.  Ugh.  We will be talking about Freedom for 6th graders.
  16. Then E caught me snooping around on her phone.  I tried to turn the volume down, and was looking at who she called and who called her, and she came out of her room.  I had time to hide the phone in a towel, and she said, “I’m looking for a book.”  And Beloved told her to go to bed.  But then she found her book and said, “oh, I should put my phone in my purse.  Oh.  Where’s my phone?  I thought I put it right there.”  Dammit.  She totally heard me before I turned the volume down.  All I could was laugh and say, “fine, it’s right here, you snot, stop erasing your text messages.”  She laughed at me and said, “mom! They were all to you!!”  But she didn’t erase her call log, and there’s no denying that a certain boy has been calling her almost daily.  The calls are quick.  Not long.  She tells me that they involve questions about homework and such.  Hmmmm.

And that is what happened on yet another weekend where Zuska brought her work computer home just to leave in her bag all.  weekend.  long.

Fortunately, there are no deadlines until Wednesday.

I don’t blow off deadlines.


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Fast Week

Wow.  It’s Friday.My schedule is all messed up, and apparently, my alarm clock is following suit.I fear I need a new one.  I’m desensitized to this one.  I set it for 5:20 a.m., but yet, when I woke up, it was 6:57 a.m., even though it said the alarm was still set, and snoozing.I think I slept through snoozes for an entire hour, when it then shut off.Oops.  Fortunately, this is a good week for that.  With no kids at home, I’m not rushing to get my billables in before 5 p.m.  Last night, I even ate dinner at the office.Beloved worked late, and so did I.  At approx 4 p.m., I thought “ugh!  I said I’d work until 8?  That’s 4 more hours!  And I’ve been here for 8 already!”  But it went by quickly, and I got a lot done.Not really enough, though.I have to decide if I’m going into the office tomorrow, or just bringing the laptop home for the weekend.  Decisions, decisions.Other than that – I haven’t been much in the blogging mood.  Not sure why.  Just not up for it lately.   

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And quite frankly – no. I’m not sad.

We had our holiday. It was the day marked on our calendar all year. We had a fantastic holiday – with a delicious dinner, family and fun gifts. It was everything we had hoped for.

Today did not feel like a holiday.

[Oddly, and perhaps the topic of another post – it doesn’t feel as much like a holiday in public, either, as I’m used to.  Anyone else feel like there’s a bit of spark missing?]

The girls left wondering what sorts of stuff they’d accumulate while gone, dreading the heat, and looking forward to seeing loved ones.

One conversation:

Me [to E]: Are you excited to go to [state]?

E: YES!!!!

Me: What would you do if the flight was canceled right now?


Me: Honey – you just said you were excited

E: That’s because that’s what you wanted me to say. You want me to be happy, and excited, and so that’s what I said, but I’d rather stay home.

Oh. Okay.

J was a little nervous last night that the plane would crash. Which made me a bit nervous. To say the least. I cuddled with her in her bed until she fell asleep, feeling safe in her mommy’s arms, and there was little sign of the fear this a.m.

They got on the plane without incident. And I know they’ll have a good time, because a) they often do, and b) they’re at their grandmother’s house, and she works hard to spend time with them and make sure they have a good time. In age appropriate wys.

They brought gifts, they brought summer clothes. They’ll have fun.

Meanwhile …

Beloved and I went shopping at Whole Foods on our way back from the airport, and we bought filet mignon, scallops, jumbo shrimp, the fixins for scalloped potatoes, asparagus, fancy olives, fancy cheeses, and anything else that was too-expensive-for-kids and delicious.

Then we came home and took a giant NAP (I am a bit under the weather, and airport-wake-up-time was 5 a.m.) We got up, and I went to the liquor store to buy the ingredients for gimlets and martinis, since my parents endowed me with a new bar set, and then we went to a MOVIE!

We saw No Country for Old Men. I liked it. I think Beloved did, too.

Then he made bacon-wrapped scallops and grilled asparagus, and I tried a specialty Gimlet featured at a bar up the street (it’s yummy … a traditional gimlet with a splash of Chambord Liquer to color/taste things up a bit).

Christmas day’s agenda?

  1. sleep until we don’t feel tired anymore
  2. go see “I Am Legend”
  3. Then skip over to “Sweeney Todd”
  4. Come home – where I may do work. Like, lawyer-work.
  5. He will make dinner — the filets, the potatoes, some green beans.
  6. While I nibble on cheese and olives and make more gimlets. We found the martinis to be way too strong and straight. I should check into the fruity ones for another time – but for now, all the stores are closed.
  7. Then we’ll watch a movie at home.

No stress, no pressure.

Just the two of us, good movies and good food – while knowing that the girls are spending time with people who love them, and that they are happy.

If they’re not happy – E has her cell phone on her, and she can let me know without permission or supervision.

Ahhhh, children growing up. How nice.

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My Snowy Vacation

The girls leave on Monday for their father’s house.  Or his mother’s, this year.

At one point, Beloved and I dreamed of going back to Amsterdam for a holiday romantic get away.

But that was back when I thought being an Associate at a big firm would make me RICH.  (Ha!)  We can’t afford a trip that costs thousands of dollars.

(Quick aside – my first student loan payment is due TODAY!  Private loans don’t kick in until April.)

So while the rest of my department is taking next week as vacation, I will be working.

But tomorrow is our Solstice celebration.  And I thought it would be nice to have a day to prepare.

So I’m home today and tomorrow.

Only I’m not preparing today.  I’m going to a 10 a.m. concert at the girls’ school, and then I’m getting J a “secret santa” gift for this afternoon, and then I’m getting the girls and two of their friends and coming home for about an hour before we grab a car and go to a play.

But spending this time with the girls was another reason for taking the days off.  Since they’re leaving soon, and that’s always a little (but honestly, just a little) sad.


It’s snowing.  I let Beloved sleep in this morning while I got up to usher the girls out the door.  This is unusual.  I’m usually leaving when E gets up, and he is the morning parent.  But he is not feeling well, and I don’t mind doing things I rarely do – so we switched it around.

There were warnings on t.v. last night about the snow/ice, but I thought not much of it.  I told the girls to wear rain boots, because the rain is melting the stacks and stacks of snow, and I don’t want them soaked.  E said, “it’s raining” at one point.  Then J later said, “it’s snowing.”  I thought of checking Boston.com to see if they were talking about weather.

There on the screen was the link to “school closings.”  Huh?  I hadn’t even considered that school would be closed!

It’s not.  Apparently, those just north of us (including southern New Hampshire) are getting dumped with snow, and are closing school.

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A few updates

Likely that the house won’t take us b/c of cats.  They may, but since they want someone NOW, and we aren’t ready NOW, and we have cats … I guess they’ll take us if they don’t find someone without cats.  Even though my cats are good and clean and do not smell bad.  They are magic cats.

I was not too tired during the day.  Now I’m so tired I can barely type.  I was relatively proud of my product, and felt like feedback was positive.  And I left at 4:45 p.m. today.  (Considering I got in at 7:15 a.m., this does NOT make me a slacker!)

All in all … it was a good day.

But I broke a shoe.  I went to DSW to buy new, and found NOTHING.  nada.  zilch.  zero.

Then I went to Macy’s.

Not only did I find nothing, nada, zilch, but I was disgusted with the service and the system.  I asked someone for a shoe, and she went into the back room where I was able to hear her laughing and joking for up to 10 minutes.  Hello?  My shoe didn’t even exist, and yet, I was stuck there for a very, very long time.  If my shoe was there, I would have had to wait another 20 minutes for this very slow chatting person to make it to her turn at the cash register.

Also, they didn’t have ANY shoes.  I saw several chatty, slow shoe-fetchers come out and tell customers “no, we don’t have it.”  Time after time after time.

I wonder what is the solution?  I kind of like my small town’s ritzy boutiques.  Where there are plenty of people working, and the shoes are twice (or so) the price of the ones at Macy’s.

I don’t like the internet for shoes.  I don’t want to wait for a shoe to find out that it hits my foot in the wrong place or is too narrow where my foot is wide, and then have to return it and wait for a NEW one to come.

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A Taste of the Real World

It’s 12:20 a.m., and I’m up waiting for the “near final draft” of a brief so I can do a last edit.

Tired?  Me?  Nah.

I can’t complain.  I mean, I’m in my house, in a comfy chair. This didn’t really start up until 9:30, so it didn’t interfere with my weekend with kids and plays and parents.

But, really – I am so tired.  And this doesn’t change the fact that I should be in the office at 7 tomorrow so I can get another project finished and sent before the next one comes on Tuesday and before I leave for the long weekend.

I guess I never sleep so well on Sunday nights anyway.

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Music to my Eyes

I have the google mail notifier for a mac.  I love it when my M-envelope lights up and turns red and shows me I have e-mail.

I also love knowing that it’s checking my e-mail for me every single minute.  Because sometimes, even that isn’t often enough, and I force it to check more frequently.  But generally, a minute gives me a sense of security, a warmth.  I’m not going to miss any e-mails.

When the computer is closed, or goes to sleep, the notifier does not check my e-mail.  So when I first come back to the computer, it says things like, “Checked 58 minutes ago.”

Overnight, it does the same.  Sometimes I wake up and turn on the computer and the notifier says “checked 5 hours, 39 minutes ago.”

Guess what it said this morning?

“Checked 8 hours ago.”

Beautiful.  I got a good night’s sleep!  (Yes, checking my e-mail is 99.999% of the time the last thing I do before I go to sleep.  Although last night, I did read in bed for approx 45 minutes.)

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As I come into this new phase of my life, I am finding that there are things I must give up.

1)  Sleep

I don’t need that much.  I am perfectly capable of sleeping past 10 a.m. on the weekends, but that messes me up and makes me an insomniac on Sunday nights – during the week, I typically wake around 6 a.m. (and that may go earlier) and despite that, I can never get into bed before midnight.  Perhaps, if I’m not feeling well, I will have one night where I get into the bed at 9.  Perhaps.  If I’m not feeling well.  Maybe.

And I’m fine.  So, who cares.

Right now it’s looking like …

2)  Television

This is not a hard one thus far.  I missed all the season premiers last week, and I sort of could care less.

Last year I watched a lot of shows.  I had a corner of my brain which was disappointed in itself, because there were years in my past where I watched a lot of television, and when life forced me to cut myself off, I felt great.  So why was I moving backward?

I was watching:  Grey’s Anatomy, 24, Heroes (when 24 came on opposite Heroes in January, I gave up Heroes, but recently downloaded the rest of last season’s onto my iPod, and find it a decent entertainment option while exercising), Studio 60, Lost (doesn’t start until January, and I think it may be the one I hold onto), and for the time that it lasted – American Idol.

It ended up quite a commitment.

Now I’m watching, uh, nothing.  And I don’t care.  I don’t have the energy for it – to care about it.  I don’t feel that it has a place within my priorities.

Not to mention the fact that one day, perhaps one summer while the girls are gone and Beloved’s on a publicity tour, I can rent the damned shows on DVD, or I can download them, and catch up – if I want to.  Which I may not.

But then there’s …
3)  Exercise.  

I don’t want to give this up.  Anyone who reads this blog has heard ad nauseum how I’ve lost 30-something pounds (34?) and I’m sorry to say – I would happily lose another 20.  I can’t believe I had gotten that far beyond where I wanted to be.  I’m quite happy with where I am right now, so if I don’t lose another 20, I’m not going to stress.  I know I’m not perfect, but I don’t feel that I owe myself – or those around me – perfect.  I am within normal size ranges, I am healthy, I am active.  I feel attractive.

But I could lose that other 20.

And if I don’t keep moving, I could also gain some of my 30-something back.

That would be unacceptable to me.

100% unacceptable.

I plan to be a little slow at work for the next ____ months as I get my sea legs on and the new class fully integrates with the others.  I don’t really have to worry about billable hours for a couple of months (that starts in December).

I’m hoping to use this slight reprieve to check out the gym in the building.  To toy with arriving at my gym at an earlier hour, before work (likely not gonna happen).  I would like to find a way to build the exercise into my routine.

The more I exercise, the more sleep I can give up.

But how do you exercise from work?   Because I was thinking it would work for me to work for a few hours.  Say, from 7  to 11.  Then go down to the gym and spend an hour or so sweating.

Then shower again?  Or do I not shower at 5:30 at home?  If I shower twice a day, will I be okay?  Will my skin scale off?  Will my hair turn brittle and break off at the scalp?

See, I just don’t know how it’s going to work.

But I believe I will use this week to figure it all out, logistics-wise (I’ll figure out whether or not I physically have time in the day later, when my workload is up and running).

If I can’t make it work, then I suppose I’ll have to go back to the idea of going to my gym here near home when it opens at 5 a.m., shower there, and then leave my gym bag in my locker all day while I traipse off to work.

Either way, I need to find a solution.  One that continues to work with my over all plan of being a full time attorney and being present in my kids’ lives.

Y’all can stop laughing now.

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On my way out the door

with 2 observations:

1)  Getting up at 6 is not easy after sleeping like a baby for 6 weeks; (although that’s not even true – I was fighting insomnia last week and had a scant 4 hours of sleep a couple of times)

2) When I do get up, and my gmail notifier says “Last Checked 7 hours ago” I feel a little better about the night’s sleep.  Seven hours is a long time, right?  Until I remember that I had at least 1.5 after last checking my mail, and at least .5 before checking it this a.m.

All that to say:

I’m tired.

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