While it’s true that J drools over cell phone commercials, and hates the fact that she’s the only one in the house who does not have a laptop (and won’t have either until 6th grade), that’s not the point of this post.
My younger daughter is jealous of her sister’s “counselor.”
She’s decided that not only would it be “cool” to BE a counselor, but that she “could really use one.”
She wants help dealing with the fact that no matter how badly she doesn’t want to – she has to visit her father in the summer.
And then, today, she said, “I bet a counselor could help me with this!!!” Regarding the Ex-BFF who is still from HELL.
Honestly – my benevolence has run out. I don’t care if she’s not-even-10. She’s mean to my daughter, over and over and over again. She pushes her (physically – I mean, she shoves her). She makes fun of the fact that we live in an apartment (!!!) as opposed to her 4-story (but narrow – 2 rooms per floor) house. She forced my sweet, adorable, strong, creative, KIND child to switch tents mid-way during the camping trip. She caused another girl to wet her bed (by not allowing anyone else in the tent to escort her to the bathroom, when partners are required). She has this odd effect on other girls, requiring them to perpetually look at their feet, at the sky, out the window. She SCARES THEM.
I’m really done being fair. I’m done giving the child the benefit of the doubt. I’m done caring more about the 100s of nights she spent sleeping in my house, and taking solace in my arms, and playing with my husband – than I care about her treatment of my child, and other children, and this toxicity that she is introducing into my amazing daughter’s childhood.
I still try – even as it gets harder – to be sure that I am not wearing a blindfold. That I am not branding my daughter the saint ONLY because she lived in my uterus for 9 months (well, 8.5 with her). That I am not only taking her word for it when she says that she is treated badly while doing nothing but trying to be nice.
I will be probably taking her in to talk to someone as well. For her to get some help in being strong, and navigating the evil, evil waters of 9 years old. And, probably moreso, to deal with the fact that she does, in fact, love her father, but may not, in reality, like her father. That she does, certainly, want to see her father, btu does not, apparently, want to live with her father. That she is forced by courts (and the reality of the fact that her father is not abusive, and so I will not push the courts to say what I know is inevitably what they will say) to do so anyway. That she loves her step-father so-so much, even though she worries it means she’s disloyal to her father.
This is exhausting.
Balance of Power 
I will say that when my brother was seeing a therapist for various issues, I wanted to see one. And when I was seeing a therapist, my younger sister wanted to see one. It sounds like my younger sister is a lot like your younger daughter–and a lot of her stuff came from being the “younger sister” (of two older siblings who did well in school, were well liked by teachers, etc., though my older brother did have his share of trouble, but he charmed his way out of it, and I just didn’t get into trouble–really, I was a nerd.)
I’ll also note that I had many of those “if I love my step-father, I must have to hate my father” problems as a kid.
Whatever you do, do not treat them differently. Though my mother and stepfather tried their best (both of them have degrees in psychology, for heaven’s sake, and were in practice when we were growing up), they still treated us differently–some of us got in trouble when we shouldn’t have or when others of us wouldn’t have, that sort of thing. And it bred resentment and dislike that we are all still trying to work through.
Whoever your daughters are seeing can recommend someone for you to see, too, I bet.
This is the part of having a girl that scares me: dealing with the mean girls. How will I keep from tearing their mean eyes out of their heads with my fingernails when they hurt my little girl?
Not liking a parent you still love is complicated at any age.
And the mean girl thing. Push back because I think we know that people only bully the ones they think they can defeat.
I’ve always thought it’s a good learning experience for children to deal with problems on their own, and that the role of parents is to provide them with the tools to do so. Counseling is a great idea.
Also, maybe you should consider building a coalition against ex-BFF. Seriously, if she’s terrorizing all of these poor children, hopefully their parents are aware of the problem as well. What if you got the parents together, along with their children, and discussed the issue of bullies? Talked about constructive ways of handling bullies? No names need be discussed with the kids, but maybe examples of general situations where they might encounter a bully and how to stand their ground. There’s strength in numbers, and if all of the girls terrorized by this kid banded together and stood up to her, the problem would be solved. And this kid needs to be stood up to for her own good, so that she doesn’t grow up to become a lousy person.
If that doesn’t work, maybe if several parents spoke with her parents together, as calm rational adults, that something might change. It’s easy to discount one person, even two, but several people telling you your child is a bully… it’s difficult to deny. They still might, of course. And they might not even be able to change it even if they recognized it. Or want to. She might be a bully because of things she experiences at home. She might be learning from them.
Anyway, I agree with the previous comment about not liking a parent you still love always being complicated. It will get even more complicated the older they get, believe me.
Good luck. You’re doing a great job for your kids.